Thoughts on the Road Ahead for Parents | Darryl Sollerh

As anyone reading these pages may well have noticed, our approach is based on our fundamental regard for the relationship between a parent and child, deepening communication through the years to come.

Because parenting can be, at turns, life’s greatest happiness or its greatest challenge, can be filled with rivers of joy, or cascades of exasperation, can be as marked by triumph as it can by alarm, by confusion as by intuition, by frustration as by discovery, and by anger as by growth—all the while demanding impossible tests of patience—we have always found that HOW a mom or dad responds to a challenge can often be as important, if not more so, than WHAT he or she says or does.

So in parting, we would like to dove-tail back to our Preface to this guide, and revisit what we see as perhaps our most essential parental strategy of all, mindful that, however the confusion, challenge or crisis moment with your teenager arrives, it can unleash a tsunami of hurt, anger and frustration in any parent.

At such moments, a rush of worry, perhaps even panic, may flood through you. Then come the gut-wrenching questions: What does this mean? Why are they doing this? What else might be happening in my child's life that I don't know about? How can I be the parent I want to be and deal with this?

In what can be a shocking if not disconcerting time, your first and best strategy is always to STOP! Take a step back. Take a deep breath and take a moment for yourself. Do whatever it takes to give yourself time enough to think.

You don't need to have the answer at that very instant. You can simply tell your son or daughter, "This is serious. I'll need some time to think about it."

Give yourself the time and space to think calmly and clearly so that you can act accordingly, and not react to the feelings of urgency ignited by a circumstance.

Your response doesn't need to be flawless or ideal, so much as it needs to come from your grown-up's position of heartfelt responsibility and thoughtful authority. Remember: How you respond can be the key to it all.

So first, seek to truly understand the reasons for your child's behavior before moving to prescribe consequences. Above all, and as tempting or even justified as it might be or feel, do not turn a challenge into a crisis, or a crisis into a catastrophe.

Once you have arrived at a place of emotional stabilization, now comes the process of determining what your response will be. At this delicate crossroads, it is essential not to craft a consequence, or set of consequences, that unwittingly encourages the very behavior you are trying to discourage.

So, BEFORE, DURING and AFTER the moments of inevitable challenge, try to also let your children see you working to become ever more self-aware, too. That way, your children will not learn to see you as a "Do as I say, not as I do" parent, but rather as a human being continually working to understand and improve themselves—providing your child with an invaluable example and life lesson.

A little humor along the way can help, too, because we are all—children and parents alike—not exactly, ahem, faultless, shall we say?

So find ways to laugh a little about our human foibles as a family, helping each other with our inevitable blind spots in the process.

And do your absolute best to make sure they understand that the consequences you are imposing on them are not to make them suffer for suffering's sake, but rather to draw their attention back to what you are trying to teach them.

Last, but never least: parenting is not about perfection. Rather, it is about giving your children your best, and taking the lead in this dance in a way that will teach them how to lead their own one day openly, honestly, compassionately and responsibly—the paths to peace, integrity, love and joy. ~ Darryl Sollerh with Leslie King, LCSW