Middle School Social lives | Darryl Sollerh

“Trust, but verify” once was once a catch-phrase of American foreign policy, and it may serve equally well as a way describe the philosophy a mom and dad might best adopt in supporting their Middle Schooler’s social life.

It is a time when, as you may recall from your own youth, a young person can become keenly aware of his or her place in their community of peers, when belonging to a particular group can take on tremendous, and sometimes dire, importance.

Are they included? Are they not included?

These daily questions—which a Middle Schooler may experience in real time as an quickly alternating series of status-affirming victories and confidence-crushing defeats—loom large in their lives as they seek to discover who they are, and where they belong within their peer group.

Moms and dads, who may remember their preschooler as a smiling, happy-go-lucky kid, can be shocked to witness their present day Middle Schooler suddenly turn moody, or withdrawn, and look for ways to separate themselves from their parents at every opportunity—or as much as is practically possible.

So what just happened?

The next step in a child’s development—which, while right and natural, can feel like “cold comfort” should you happen to be said child’s mom or dad.

And it’s also “cold comfort” to your Middle Schooler as they realize their comparably carefree days of yesterday are being traded in for the astronomically more nerve-wracking, complex and anxiety-producing days of Middle School life.

Added to which, all their relationships may be changing too, and not just with mom and dad. Frequently enough the friends they enjoyed in earlier times may shift or fade as Middle School arrives, unsettling their worlds just as the stresses of their new environments and realities spike.

With all that change, who wouldn’t be a little moody?

Likewise, familiar family routines often shift to accommodate a Middle Schooler’s newly forming friendships and social activities, meaning more time spent outside of the home, as well as an increase in homework, affecting the time spent at home.

Galloping astride all these shifts and changes are mom’s and dad’s increasing concerns for their Middle Schooler’s safety, even as mom and dad are also adjusting to the fact that they are no longer the center of their child’s life.

A lot to digest for everyone concerned.

But also a challenge to a mom or dad’s possible notions of what it means to keep their child safe. Consider:

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A dad, concerned for his Middle School daughter’s safety, insisted on not just dropping his daughter off at her school parties, but coming in to stay awhile, humiliating his daughter.

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However understandable this father’s actions may have been in the context of his paternal concerns and protectiveness, his behavior not only embarrassed his daughter in front of her peers, but denied her any opportunities to develop her own social skills. It also signaled the dad’s distrust of his daughter, undermining, rather than strengthening, his daughter’s confidence and self-trust.

No doubt if we could ask that father if he wanted his daughter to learn how to handle herself in various situations, he would earnestly insist he did. But every moment he hung around at those parties conveyed the opposite.

How can a child develop any confidence in their own judgment if their parents are, by their words or actions, indicating they are not trustworthy?

And it doesn’t help matters if, from a Middle Schooler’s point of view, you explain that it is their friends who warrant your suspicions or caution. The message remains the same: that their judgment is flawed, and they cannot be relied on to make good decisions.

So what’s a Middle Schooler’s likely take-away message? That he or she cannot rely on their own, good judgment. Nor, by extension, should anyone else.

Not the message you want to convey?

Then try not to let your efforts to keep your Middle Schooler safe send them the wrong message, or deny them helpful opportunities to grow by making a few mistakes.

And just how do you strike that balance between safety and room-to-grow in the real world?

Artfully as possible.

For example, we recommend a mom or dad phone the parents who will be hosting a party or outing ahead of time, opening a line of communication between the parents involved. Doing so can often quell many of a mom or dad’s concerns, and can also inform a parent as to the circumstances their child will be in while still leaving room enough for their own child to participate or attend.

Should your child become uncomfortable at a party or other event, a helpful strategy can be to create a “code“ between you and your child, with which they can phone you in earshot of others, and secretly signal to you they would like to be picked up while still saving face in front of their peers.

A simple “I have a headache” may not only keep your child safe from whatever’s making them uncomfortable, developing their own abilities to make good judgments, but also make their parent a source of support when they do, rather than someone to be avoided.

Likewise, on their initial forays into dating, a chaperon will likely be called for, but a mom or dad would do well to allow their son or daughter some time alone together. At a recreational area, you can arrange to meet with them at a designated place and time, or after a movie, for example. But do try to avoid this:

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A mom, thinking she was being responsible and appropriately protective, accompanied her daughter on her first date to the movies with a young boy. The mom sat a row behind them the whole time, and afterwards never left their side when they waited for the boy’s mom to pick him up. Not only did that Middle School boy never call back, but the mom’s daughter held her responsible. So in the end mom was responsible—just not the way she intended to be. It also sent her daughter the message that, in future, she best hide any of her romantic interests from her mom, as well as her dad, because he might tell her mom.

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Ugh.

Not exactly the message a parent wants to send his or her daughter as she enters her teenage years. Because then their son or daughter will not turn to them for her safety, but will seek out, Tennessee Williams once put it, “the kindness of strangers.”

While it may not be a parent’s intention, too many times we have seen the results of a mom or dad’s misguided effort to protect their kid.

So trust them enough to give them some space to grow, and find ways to verify what they’re doing that don’t turn you into a chronic snoop.

Likewise, when you discover them with friends you wish they didn’t have, try to avoid the all-too-easy sand-trap of forbidding them to see the kids you don’t like. Remember that may only make those friends that much more appealing and attractive. In other words, try to find activities in which you can supervise, or at least be able to observe, what goes on when they’re with such friends.

Besides, they need to test what it’s like to be in relationship, even casually, with kids who are different. So much information and life-wisdom can come from experimenting with various types of friends and personalities that will only improve your child’s judgment later, when the stakes could well be much higher.

Put another way, don’t allow yourself to end up enacting a parental role best left to the characters of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. As in that play, as in life, it doesn’t work out well for the parents, or their children, when moms and dads think they can control their children’s lives.

So try to see all their socializing as an important learning process, especially when they make mistakes. Besides, many of the relationships they form in Middle School may change again as they enter High School, and yet again as they enter college or work-life. As the proverb also reminds us, wisdom comes from making mistakes, so they need to make mistakes to grow wiser.

Not always an enchanting process for a parent to endure, to say the least, but a very necessary one for a parent to support.

Likewise, should some of your child’s choices in friends be less than your cup of tea, try not to attempt to separate them. In fact, including them by, say, participating in driving your Middle Schooler and their friends around may help you to either discover aspects of them you can appreciate, or enable you to better monitor what concerns you. In our experience, is it rare that a parent truly needs to intervene or forbid their child from seeing someone, or being around a particular group of friends. Such a decision should only be considered with a good deal of thought and after consultation with an experienced, dispassionate adviser.

Another dimension to all this newfound socializing and interest in being with their peers can have far-reaching effects on a family’s established routines or traditions. As a Middle Schooler more and more seeks to engage the world and nurture friendships, their activities will often interfere or coincide with family dinners, or other family traditions, necessitating a certain amount of flexibility and understanding on a parent’s part. That said, let us also hasten to add that it is also part of growing up to learn to respect important family time.

For example, while it might not be your family’s custom to eat together regularly, even if it is, a balance can be struck that allows your child time on certain nights to not be present at the dinner table, or late to the table, yet keep one night a week for a family dinner.

In striking a balance, mom and dad can provide a valuable life lesson in how to balance fun with commitment, leaving them room enough to explore while remaining connected to their ongoing and enduring family relationships.

As they venture more and more out into the world, establishing a “no-questions asked, safety first” approach can be a parent’s best friend.

If a Middle Schooler believes, from long experience of you as a parent, that you will hound them about every misstep or mistake, should they find themselves in a troubling situation, they may decide to NOT call you, potentially making their predicament even more precarious, if not placing themselves in real danger. So mom and dad are wise to establish, over time, that should their Middle Schooler ever really need their assistance, that their parent is capable of focusing on safety first, and only later, when things have calmed, turn their attention to determining fault or consequences.

To establish that confidence in your child’s mind means a parent must frequently have shown themselves able to contain their concerns and worries of the moment in favor of safety and security. Repeatedly reacting in angry outbursts to their missteps will only encourage your child to try to avoid you when they do make a mistake. And that can be dangerous.

So keeping the lines of communication open, and the priorities straight will better allow them to call you when they feel uncomfortable or in danger—even if they lied to you about going to the mall, and now find themselves lost somewhere in the city, without a clue as to how to get back home!

The keys in all this are to KNOW who your child’s friends are, and to KNOW their parents, and to be in communication with those parents as much as possible.

Should a particular parent, however nice, demonstrate they have a tendency to arrive late to pick up your child AFTER a movie, for instance, leaving your child and their friends to wander the mall at night, volunteering to be the “pick-up” person of the carpool, rather than the “drop-off” driver, may well be the only practical way to keep your child safe.

All of this is an art. Balancing freedom with responsibility, experimentation with safety, and judgment with risk, all part of learning how to navigate in this world. So a parent’s job is truly about finding that balance in their own lives, and thus modeling the very behavior they hope to teach their child.

So give your children enough freedom to develop and grow, and they will have learned an essential and incalculably valuable life lesson.

Prevent them from learning how to trust their own judgment, and you may well render them a danger to themselves. It’s as simple as that. ~ Darryl Sollerh with Leslie King, LCSW