Teen Lying | Darryl Sollerh

Your teen tells you their teacher must have lost that homework they turned in, or that they went to a movie when you know they didn’t, or that they are doing fine in school when you know they are not...raising your dander, even as your heart sinks.

You know darn well they're lying to you or hiding something. It can be very hard to take, much less comprehend. Let's face it, of all of the behaviors teens are want to do, lying can especially sting.

Because whatever special trust you thought you had with your son or daughter, however different or unique you thought the understanding was between you, the moment you catch them lying or telling half-truths can feel like a betrayal—as if they have willfully tossed aside you and your relationship in favor of some sudden, capricious or calculated need to mislead.

Oh boy.

But not understanding their reason for lying can lead to far worse.

For example:

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A teenage girl liked a boy who her parents most definitely did not. So to see him, she lied to her parents, and would go over to a girlfriend’s home, where the boy could come to see her. Suffice it to say, their behavior as a couple away from her parents put this teen at far more risk than if she had been with him at her own home.

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As with adults, when we make something forbidden, we also make it more attractive.

In this teen’s case, her parents felt betrayed, and scolded her harshly, and soon this family found itself in something much bigger and much more difficult for all involved. What the teenage girl secretly took from her experience was that she would better conceal her activities in the future. Not the message that lying is bad.

And that is why it is so important in such moments for a parent to check his or her initial reaction of hurt, indignation and anger at being misled, and reconsider what their child may have been trying to do, even if they didn’t do it well, or didn’t feel they could be honest with you about it.

Locking them away for life will not work, and over-reacting to their lie will likely only lead to more lying later, as well as ensuring that they will take greater pains to conceal any of their future activities.

But since an experience like this IS something that a parent needs to address, mom and dad will do well to consider alternatives that, while making the point that lying is not acceptable behavior, don’t end up making matters worse down the road.

Remember, from your child's point of view, as you may well recall from your own life, lying to anyone close, especially a parent, is never "simple".

So, summarizing, what's your first, best step when you discover they are lying or covering something up?

STOP! Take a deep breath, and take a step back because even if they have lied, understanding WHY they lied before you act is key. Wait until you are calm enough to think clearly, and act accordingly—not just react. Before the feelings of hurt and betrayal of being lied to by your teen dig in too deeply, remind yourself that human beings of all ages lie, and for all sorts of reasons.

Telling a lie does not make one a liar for life. So do not turn a challenging moment into a crisis, or a crisis into a catastrophe.

Next, keep in mind that human beings may lie to: get something they want, such as a night out with their friends...or to:

- avoid something they don't want, such as: homework, chores, or feeling shamed.

- deal with their fears, real or imagined reasons.

- promote themselves in some way to appear stronger, smarter, more important, or "cooler".

- conceal the secrets of a friend or group out of loyalty, and/or, to protect a friend's questionable behavior.

- hide that they are breaking a rule or an agreement... such as drinking, cigarettes, or when they told you they were going to the library, and instead went to a club.

So you must try to determine what is driving your teenager to lie, or to tell a half-truth because your teen's reason(s) may be very complicated, gut-wrenching and confusing, even to them!

Which leads us to the next thing you can do: which is to start a dialogue. Listen to what they may be trying to tell you, in spite of their lying. Or even because of it. Then really listen.

It might also help to think of them as having lied to someone else, so that you can depersonalize it and listen more objectively until you know more. It's critical to provide as safe a place as possible for them to tell the truth, because parents can play a role in creating an environment in which a teen feels a need to lie, or slant the truth.

So OK. Let's say you've listened, and you now have some sense, if not a specific understanding, of why your High Schooler lied to you. What should your response be?

As the parent, you may need to impose some consequences. Some temporary restrictions on their freedoms or customary privileges. Just be sure they are temporary and proportional consequences. Keep in mind that the consequences you impose are to draw attention to the lesson you are trying to teach them, not to "punish" them.

That said...unless your teen is a habitual liar, imposing overly severe consequences on a High Schooler for lying often doesn't work as intended. From your teen's point of view, a heavy-handed response from you may only encourage them to try to figure out better ways to conceal any future fibs, thus sowing seeds of a growing suspicion and distrust between parent and teenager alike.

So if imposing consequences is, at best, a limited or a “last resort” option, what does work?

You can begin by clearly expressing to your teenager how the lie affected you, and the feelings and questions it ignited in you. Then speak to them about the ways in which being truthful builds trust between people, and how trust, in turn, cements enduring and fulfilling relationships of all kinds.

As we have said, be sure the consequences are proportional. Also, try to be a little more aware of your own lying—even the little lies of social interactions—so that your teen does not view you as saying one thing to them, but doing another in your own life. Setting a good example is worth more than a thousand lectures.

All that considered, and even after all of your best efforts, what if they lie again? Time for…

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A REALITY CHECK

Should your teen tell a lie or half-truth—and all but a very few will—he or she will, most likely, do it again—despite your best efforts to really listen, to set aside your own hurt and understand their point of view, to share how you feel openly and honestly, and to seemingly have arrived at an emotionally bonding moment wherein both you and your son or daughter tearfully agree to be completely truthful from now on...

Only then they lie to you again. Not fun, to say the least. But not a crisis either, even though it can make your blood pressure rise even more, and your heart sink lower. At moments like this, it's useful to remember how many of life's lessons we all have had to repeat - smacking into the same "brick wall" repeatedly—before we finally "got" them. Same is true for your son or daughter.

Learning is a process of repetition for us all, not one-stop shopping for programmable androids. So try again. In time, it will work. And what can grow from it in terms of strengthening your long-term relationship with your teenager will be well worth it. And lastly, consider this: keeping some secrets—such drinking a beer, or staying out past curfew—from a teen's point of view, can be a path to individuation. It can assist them in feeling separate and distinct from their parent(s) in some way because they have something that's all their own.

What secret(s) did you keep growing up that made you feel independent? That's why it's so very important for mom and dad to try to understand what their son or daughter’s true intention is: are they lying out of loyalty to their friends? Or simply trying to avoid doing their homework?

The distinction is vital, and not often easy to ferret out. So asking questions is the only way. So ask questions. But then listen, listen, listen...both to what they say, as well as what they don't say. But do listen.

Cultivating a Zen attitude, or a "this too shall pass" frame of heart and mind throughout this bumpy process can help.

A parting note: should the lying be more chronic and calculated than the kind we are addressing here, consulting a mental health professional may be very useful, even necessary. ~ Darryl Sollerh with Leslie King, LCSW