Bullying | Darryl Sollerh

Regardless of how much bullying a child may be enduring, they may also be the most reluctant person of all to talk about it.

Surprising?

Not when we realize that bullying, in all of its varied forms, aims to shame, humiliate and denigrate, driving many kids to suffer in silence, as if admitting to being bullied qualifies as an additional offense, worthy of even more mockery, intimidation and derision.

And so your child may hide or deny what may be happening to them, shamed into silence by the very kids who need to be identified and confronted by the adults around them.

What’s more, they also may fear that alerting you or one of their teachers may, in fact, only make them more of a target, further labeling them as weak for having sought out adult intervention.

For a Middle Schooler, it can be a vicious cycle, surrendering them to an ongoing and often increasing physical or psychological assault.

Yet even with the growing awareness of bullying in recent years, and its continuing presence in our schools and on our kids’ playgrounds, bullying remains a regular experience for some of our Middle School children, made only worse by the advent of social media, texting, and the like.

So it is still left largely to the individual parent to be aware of it—both in the case of the child who is being bullied, as well as for the child who may be doing the bullying.

With that in mind, it serves us all well to expand our awareness about what bullying is and how it can take place, but also what may be motivating a bully, and how a child—your child—may be able to address it with your help.

As regards those who bully others, the oft-cited belief that those who bully were themselves somehow bullied or intimidated is simply not true for many. Some simply derive satisfaction from humiliating and injuring others, often as a way to compensate for their own sense of inadequacy.

And in an age of cyberspace, the tools of torment are no longer just limited to a school playground, but can also follow a victim home, so that there is no safe time or place in which they can find even temporary sanctuary. Indeed, at the click of a “send” button, bullies can exert such an unrelenting campaign of mockery and rumor-mongering that a number of our nation’s children have been driven to suicide, shocking and sobering us, but as yet not leading to the kind of systemic-wide awareness and changes that can effectively challenge the incidence of bullying effectively or comprehensively.

And it’s not just boys who bully, as some might think.

A Middle School gymnast, at the top of her class, declined to join in with another girl’s idea to mock a classmate of theirs. In doing so, the gymnast unexpectedly drew the bully-girl’s wrath, and soon became the new target, finding herself the object of some strikingly vicious, online innuendo and character assassinations. Things became so ugly that the gymnast’s mother, shocked to discover what was going on, was ready to withdraw her daughter from school, and went to the school’s administration. When a meeting was called with the other parents, the gymnast’s mom discovered that while one of the families whose girl had joined with the bully in spreading the rumors on a social media page was most apologetic and ready to make amends, the parents of the bully girl not only became defensive, but accused the gymnast of having started it all, effectively condoning their own daughter’s behavior.

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So not only can girls be bullies, the weapon of choice can often be the internet.

Next, we must also consider the audience other students can unwittingly provide the bully, who in most cases wants their intimidating behaviors seen and known. Researchers have found that it can take just one or two bystanders to object to the bully or their bullying to thwart many a confrontation, if not once and for all.

Furthermore, the bullied child does not need to be the proverbial ninety pound weakling often chronicled in movies. They may often be a successful and talented student—an object of envy—which can lead to their being bullied.

Signs that your child may be experiencing bullying include a growing sense of isolation and an increasing dislike of school, headaches, stomachaches or sleep-loss, as well as other symptoms of stress or anxiety.

Likewise, they may also likely be slow to tell you, if at all, because they are afraid an adult may inadvertently make matters even worse. So if a mom or dad begins to suspect or detect any signs that their child may be enduring a bully’s tactics, it may begin by asking if they have observed any bullying generally at their school, and what they saw, rather than beginning your questioning by immediately focusing on them and their painful experience. Last but not least, some perceived “difference” about your child may be what has singled them out, and it can based on virtually anything.

From a parent’s standpoint, mom and dad would do well to restrain their own, instant reactions of rage to the news their child is being bullied, as the protective parental instincts may cause even more anxiety for their child.

Conversely, they should as well not dismiss their Middle Schooler’s troubles by admonishing them to somehow tough it out. That may only crush what’s left of their child’s self-esteem, driving them to withdraw even further. It can as well ignite a reaction of desperate rage that drives them to retaliate in ways that can be destructive.

So a parent needs to take bullying seriously enough to be of help and support to their child, while not falling prey to their own reactions to bullies, which may be informed by years of built up anger.

Not an easy balance to strike, but an often critical one.

Should you or your child find a way to openly discuss what’s happening to them, including learning how not to respond to a bully’s provocations with anger, but instead playing them off as if it all were a joke, even though it’s serious. If that’s not possible, developing a poker face until away from the bully can help not lend fuel to a bully’s taunts, designed as they are by the bully to get a reaction. Walking away, and going to the nearest adults can also be a strategy in a pinch, although many a Middle Schooler may be reluctant to do this as previously mentioned, unless you can help them understand that this is simply a battle they don’t need to fight themselves.

Some more specific tactics may include learning to interrupt the bully’s statements, by using his or her name to ask questions about what they are doing and why, or refusing to answer any of their questions. Setting customary politeness aside may be called for, and a series of such questions can put some bullies on the defensive long enough to provide your child with an exit, if not make them a less desirable target.

By advising your child to continue to remain as calm as possible, and not rise to the bully’s taunts, can, in some more common forms of intense teasing or bullying, be enough to disincline a bully from taking your child on later.

In more serious, ongoing cases, calling the parents of the bully is a good place for a mom or dad to begin. If the other parents cannot or will not help, the school, teachers and administrators must proactively be made aware of what’s going on. Coordinated adult reaction can work wonders in stopping bullying, so do not hesitate should circumstances warrant.

On the other hand, since teasing regularly does occur in Middle School, a parent must try not to over-react in a way that over-reaches or misidentifies what may be a normal part of Middle School testing, turning a momentary excess into a humiliating experience for your own child when you intercede in the very way they feared you might. The difference is, when teasing is an equally shared experience between peers, then that is normal and even fun for kids. But when it is one-sided, then it becomes bullying. ~ Darryl Sollerh with Leslie King, LCSW