Children's Anger Management: Effective Strategies

'Hate the sin, love the sinner. 

So scripture advises us, but as anyone who’s tried knows only too well, it ain’t easy. Yet that is what mom and dad are called upon to do on a regular basis, even in the face of their child’s moodiness, recalcitrance, hostility, rage, or meltdowns. For parents who don’t like conflicts, it can be a particularly vexing voyage, testing their poise and patience beyond words. 

So let’s begin by taking a step back, and first look at children’s anger, as opposed to depression, which can sometimes be wrapped inside a child’s anger and a depression hidden by their angry outbursts. We are addressing all the feelings that can smolder or ignite when we don’t get what we want or feel out of control due to circumstances or those around us. 

For a Middle Schooler, struggling with the stresses of their shifting worlds, and striving for increased autonomy from the adults around them, their frustrations and upsets can be easily triggered, especially if they perceive the reasons for their troubles as being “unfair.” It’s a timeless complaint at any age. 

Likewise, a mom or dad can feel unjustly punished by their child’s outburst, and may retaliate with consequences that outweigh the offense, triggering even more feelings of unfairness and potentially leading to more outbursts. It is important for a mom or dad to try to distinguish what may be causing their child’s incendiary reactions instead of quickly dismissing them as infantile rage or responding too readily with denial. 

Why bother? Why try to look a little beyond the fireworks of the moment when your kid is behaving obnoxiously or meeting your every parental directive with a defiant “no!”? Because what can initially present as a baseless reaction may reveal far deeper concerns upon calmer reflection—a complaint that may not only lead to a better understanding of them but also help them articulate what’s truly at issue. When we feel a surge of tension but can’t pinpoint all the causes, we can become reactive, if not explosive. This goes for your Middle Schooler, who has far less life experience to understand their emotions. 

A moody Middle School girl, enduring the strains of her world, made a caustic remark to her mother. Incensed by what she perceived as an indignity, mom reacted sharply. She communicated in a way that placed the responsibility on her seventh grader to mend the relationship, expecting her daughter to know how to resolve the situation much like adults do. Her daughter hadn’t meant the remark, which rose from a fit of anxiety, and understandably asked, “How am I supposed to fix our family?” 

Indeed. How could she fix anything without understanding her mother’s expectations? So even when they are snapping, the less you take it personally, the more you can see their prickliness as a response to stress. You can then teach them how to communicate civilly and respectfully without letting the moment escalate into a damaging confrontation. 

Moreover, demanding a level of understanding from a Middle School child that they have not yet developed will only lead to strife, spinning the interaction into unnecessary conflict. They’re children, not adults in middle school bodies. As annoying as it can be at times, parents must strive to remember this or take a step back until they can regain composure. 

Have you ever snapped at a loved one due to stress? Do you recall feeling gratitude when they recognized it for what it was, rather than taking it personally? How many arguments stem from misunderstandings? 

When you manage not to react, clarity can emerge, supporting parents in teaching their child effective anger management strategies and the importance of boundaries. And when your child feels safe enough to express their feelings, they will seek your support, wisdom, and encouragement. 

Because anger often masks deeper feelings of desperation that need to be expressed. When we comprehend or articulate our feelings freely, without facing immediate recrimination, we can reduce the need for further anger and the inevitable outbursts that come with it. Parents striving to help their child navigate their anger can benefit from focusing on their responses amid the storm. Taking a moment to listen and respond thoughtfully will model effective dealing with child anger, demonstrating that stepping back can be more beneficial than reacting impulsively. 

For parents wanting to reduce the length and intensity of inevitable angry outbursts or protracted moodiness, the keys are better listening, more dialogue, and predictable, proportional boundaries. 

A Middle School boy, frustrated by events at school, disrespectfully told his mother to “shut up” in front of others. Horrified by his insolence and feeling humiliated, she reacted by grounding him for three weeks and taking away his computer, creating a chasm in their communication. 

Understandable? Yes. Helpful? Not so much. The son, rather than learning the lesson intended about respect, brooded over what he perceived to be his mother’s concern for her image more than for his learning. 

While a response was warranted, a more measured approach coupled with the lesson of respectful communication may have kept the lines of communication more open, fostering understanding. Instead, her reaction seeded resentment and misunderstandings that took time to repair. Teach them it’s unacceptable behavior to rant in front of others, but the less you make it about your own embarrassment, the more your message about proper communication can resonate. 

This is not easy, which is why parents should also give themselves grace. Children intuitively know how to press their parents' buttons, and it’s vital to take moments to calm down before responding. If there’s someone you trust to look after your Middle Schooler while you take a breather, do so, and then approach the situation with the goal of restoring order and communication. 

If consequences are necessary, ensure they are not excessive and allow for conversation afterward. Grounding your child indefinitely can create barriers to post-outburst communication. Continue to show love by casually checking in on them, whether by cooking together, watching a movie, or going for a hike to shift the mood. These activities can facilitate better communication—letting your child know that while their behavior is not acceptable, your love is unconditional. 

Consequences should emphasize learning rather than revenge or an attempt to settle a score. If they sense punishment is purely punitive, that’s the lesson they’ll take. So ultimately, parenting requires that we don’t fall prey to the reactions we discourage them from indulging in. By actively keeping open lines of communication, acknowledging that your Middle Schooler may struggle to articulate their feelings, parents can create a more harmonious relationship and diffuse potential conflicts. 

Try not to take their protests personally; however, reinforce that rudeness is unacceptable. Recognizing that anger is an inherent human reaction allows us, as adults, to better understand and work with our own tendencies and frustrations. In doing so, we empower our children to make better choices when faced with anger-inducing situations.

“Loving the sinner” then transforms from an arduous task into a meaningful opportunity—a path out of suffering. ~ Darryl Sollerh with Leslie King, LCSW