Does Punishing Your Teen Work? | Darryl Sollerh

mething every mom and dad encounters throughout their parenting journey: how do I get my child's attention so that he or she changes their behavior—by either restricting what they can do, taking something away, or requiring them to perform some new responsibility—so that they stop doing whatever it is I want them to stop doing and start doing what I hope to teach them? 

This task isn’t easy, especially if you frame it from a perspective of "punishment."

As anyone who has faced challenges in parenting knows, punishment can backfire, inadvertently leading a child towards even more dangerous or problematic behaviors. 

Consider this example: 

A high schooler took his dad’s car out without permission and drove friends to a party. When he returned home, his dad immediately enforced a two-month grounding, forbidding him to attend any parties or social events outside the home. As the days turned into weeks, the young man, left alone and bored, shifted from video games to drinking, secretly taking liquor from his parents’ supply. He would drink to excess whenever his parents went out for the evening, eventually turning to smoking to pass the time during the day. These habits, formed in isolation rather than as a means to fit in, became much harder to break. The dad soon regretted his approach to managing this teenage behavior issue. 

While the father's frustration was understandable given his son's actions, the way he chose to impose punishment resulted in greater family challenges than it resolved. By not considering how long-term punishment might impact family dynamics, the father inadvertently triggered a multitude of new issues, overshadowing the lessons he aimed to teach about responsibility. 

The takeaway? 

Consequences that are too harsh or lengthy often lead teens to act out their frustrations in other, potentially harmful ways. As a parent, understanding whether punishment works or not is crucial, because you may find yourself facing a far more complicated set of circumstances the next time a family issue arises. 

In essence, “punishment” is ineffective. This includes physical punishment, which only teaches children to express their frustrations through aggression. How often does that lead to positive outcomes? 

To punish someone implies retribution—inflicting pain or loss. Since the focus is on suffering rather than learning, a child may perceive the supposed reason for the punishment as merely a disguise for retribution. Consequently, any intended lessons about responsibility or diligence might feel secondary to a more compelling message: to defend against parental retribution, a teenager may learn to administer retribution themselves. 

And they often will, usually aimed at those closest to them. In short, you! 

If punishment is ineffective, then what does work? 

Consequences. We will delve into this shortly, but first, let’s start with some effective parenting strategies:

**STRATEGY 1:** Take a deep breath, step back, and give yourself enough time to think before reacting in a way you may regret or that could create even more complications later. It’s perfectly fine to say, "I’ll think about it" and allow yourself that time.

**STRATEGY 2:** Clarity is essential. Make sure you clearly communicate with your child that any restrictions on their privileges or freedoms demonstrate that their behavior has consequences—NOT punishments. Ensure these consequences aren’t about inflicting suffering but rather focused on redirecting your child's attention towards correcting the problematic behavior. Make it about learning valuable life lessons, rather than punishment.

**STRATEGY 3:** Ensure your responses are appropriate, proportional, and be aware of unintended consequences. Use a measured approach. The consequence should fit the behavior, and remember that if you impose consequences, you must enforce them—otherwise, they lose their meaning and effectiveness.

**STRATEGY 4:** Avoid physical punishment. Resorting to striking or spanking teaches children that aggression is an acceptable way to express feelings of upset. This approach does not foster constructive behavior in your child or contribute positively to their development.

**STRATEGY 5:** Recognize and acknowledge your child's positive choices and behaviors. This recognition should happen outside of disciplinary situations, allowing your child to feel supported consistently. Acknowledging positive behavior is equally important as addressing issues because children tend to repeat what is acknowledged. Just ensure your praise remains realistic to maintain its authenticity.

But let’s pause for a moment for a reality check: we are not suggesting parents should avoid imposing consequences when a child’s behavior necessitates guidance. Most children have an innate sense of fairness—if consequences are fair, predictable, and appropriate, they will likely come to acknowledge this, even if only in their private thoughts. 

In summary, parents who shy away from insisting on consequences for their child’s misbehavior deny their teens crucial lessons about limits and boundaries—not just in relationships with others, but also in relation to their own lives and risks. Without a healthy sense of boundaries, children may put themselves and others in danger. Given the social issues and risks they face today, a solid grasp of limits can be vital for their safety. 

**STRIKING THE BALANCE** 

Aim to set clear expectations, meaningful goals, reliable rules, and reasonable limits with your child from the outset. Both parent and child should be aligned regarding acceptable behavior and boundaries. Distinguish between momentary misbehavior and the broader character traits you wish to instill. If cultivating kindness, courtesy, and basic human decency are your goals, maintain focus on these ideals even when tensions rise. Always remember you can step back during heated moments and say, "This is serious. I need time to reflect before imposing consequences." 

When calmer moments arise, revisit your ultimate character-building goals with your child in engaging ways—repetition and discussion are key to imparting meaningful life lessons. 

**A FEW MORE ESSENTIAL KEYS**  

In a perfect world, providing structure and routine in daily schedules helps children stay aligned with your guidance. However, with busy lives filled with soccer practices, music lessons, and quick dinners in the car, maintaining a solid family schedule becomes critical. For older teenagers, who frequently travel with friends, establishing a shared sense of family plans can help everyone feel secure amidst changing demands. When children feel scattered or disconnected from their environment, they may rebel in ways difficult to comprehend, complicating the dynamics between parents and teens.

When misbehavior occurs—as it undoubtedly will—try to decipher its true intent: Is it to test boundaries? Is it expressing anger about uncertainties in their lives? Or could it be a plea for attention because they feel neglected? Negative attention, unfortunately, is often seen as preferable to being ignored. If they feel they cannot gain your attention through positive accomplishments, they may resort to other means. 

Therefore, the most effective parenting strategy is to first seek to understand the underlying reasons for your child's behavior, which often means asking questions. Even if their responses are limited or evasive, your genuine interest will gradually encourage them to open up, providing you with valuable insights. 

So listen, truly listen. 

And did we mention the importance of listening? 

~ Darryl Sollerh with Leslie King, LCSW