Does Punishing Your Teen Work? | Darryl Sollerh

It’s something every mom and dad must deal with throughout their parenthood: how do I get my child's attention in such a way that he or she changes their behavior—by either restricting what they can do, taking something away, or requiring them to perform some new responsibility—so that they stop doing whatever it is I want them to stop doing, and start doing what I hope to teach them?

Not easily if at all, if you begin from a premise of "punishment."

Because as anyone who has made "mistakes" in trying to discipline their child knows, a punishment can boomerang on you, and inadvertently drive a child to an even worse, or potentially more dangerous, behavior.

Consider:

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A High Schooler took his dad’s car out without permission, and drove some friends to a party. When he returned home, his dad immediately imposed a two-month grounding, forbidding his son to attend any parties or other functions with friends outside the home. As the days turned into weeks, the young man, bored and often left alone, turned from video games to drinking, secreting liquor from his parents’ supply. He drank to get drunk whenever his parents went out for the evening, and then took up smoking to bide his time during the day. These habits, formed not as a way to be part of any group, were actually much harder to break in that this teenager had cultivated them on his own, and his dad soon came to regret the way in which he dealt with his son’s disobedience, however serious it may have been.

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As understandable as dad’s upset and reaction may have been to his son’s irresponsible and dangerous actions, the way in which he chose to “punish” his son ended up creating even more family challenges than it solved. In not giving careful thought to how a two month grounding might play out in the context of the family’s life, dad had inadvertently triggered a whole new set of issues and challenges that pushed any intended lessons about taking responsibility in life into the background.

The lesson?

"Punishments" that last too long, or seem too harsh or unfair, most often lead to teens "acting out" their frustrations in some other way. So that when the next, inevitable family issue, challenge or crisis arises, you may well find yourself dealing with a far more difficult set of circumstances.

In short, “punishment” doesn't work. Neither does physical punishment, because it only teaches a child to express their upsets at the world by striking out at it in ways meant to hurt. How often does that ever work out?

To punish someone infers retribution, a penalty designed to inflict pain, suffering or loss. Since the emphasis is on suffering, and not on learning, a child responds accordingly, regarding whatever the parent claims to be the reason for the punishment as just a disguise for their truer aim, which is retribution. So any intended parental lessons about taking more responsibility, or of working more diligently, or of learning to think of others first, seem secondary to the far more potent, unspoken message: that to combat parental retribution, a teenager is well-advised to learn how to administer retribution, too.

And they will in some way, and usually on those closest to them. In a word: you!

So if punishment doesn't work, what DOES?

"Consequences". More on this in a moment. But first, let's take things from the beginning:

STRATEGY 1: Take a deep breath, take a step back, give yourself time enough to think before you lash out in some way that you may later either regret, or that may set up an even more problematic set of circumstances down the road. So wait until you can ACT, not just REACT. It's all right to say, "I'll think about it", and give yourself the time to.

STRATEGY 2: Be clear with yourself, so that you can be clear with your child. Whatever restrictions of their privileges or freedoms, make sure they are to demonstrate that their behavior has CONSEQUENCES, NOT PUNISHMENTS. Then make sure those consequences are in no way about causing suffering for suffering's sake. If they are, your child will sense it, and respond even more defensively. Rather, make sure the limitations or new responsibilities you impose are only about drawing your child's attention back to correcting the behavior which caused the trouble in the first place. Make it about learning a valuable life lesson, and not about "punishment".

STRATEGY 3: Be appropriate, be proportional, and beware of unintended consequences. Do not go hunting fruit flies with a bazooka, as they say. Be measured. Make the consequence fit the "crime". Remember, whatever consequences you impose, you will have to enforce them, or they will lose their meaning and effectiveness. And as for unintended consequences...

STRATEGY 4: Do not use physical punishments. To express your upset striking or spanking your child teaches them, at the very least, that attacking others physically is not only an acceptable behavior, but a way to express their own feelings of anger or displeasure at the world. Not a lesson that helps you, your child, or the world. So let's approach it another way.

STRATEGY 5: Acknowledge your child's positive choices and behaviors. But we don't mean that at the moment of giving them consequences - we mean that generally - so that when you do exert your authority, it's in a context of having been supportive in the past. This is just as important as identifying their troublesome traits, because we all like to be acknowledged, and tend to do more of what garners us praise. So express your love with warmth and support for all that they do that is welcome and positive. But keep your praise realistic and balanced, because false praise rings false.

But let's take a step back from the 5 strategies we’ve suggested and do…

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A REALITY CHECK

To be clear, we are not suggesting that parents should somehow avoid assigning consequences when their child's behavior calls for parental intervention and guidance. Most children, we have always found, have an innate sense of fairness, so even when they protest, if the consequences are fair, even-handed, predictable and appropriate, they will, soon enough, see them as such—if only in the privacy of their own thoughts.

In short: parents who retreat from insisting on consequences for their child's misbehavior deprive their teens of essential lessons in limits and boundaries—not only in their relationships with others—but also in relationship to their own lives and bodies. A child who does not understand that fire (fill in your own risky behavior here) can injure or kill, is a danger to himself and others. And considering what children are exposed to today in terms of social issues and sexual diseases, drinking, drugs, and all the rest of it, a healthy sense of limits and boundaries may be the only inner guides that can keep them safe from injuring themselves or others.

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STRIKING THE BALANCE

Try your best to set clear expectations, worthwhile goals, balanced, reliable rules and reasonable limits with your child. Do all this in advance so that everybody, parent and child, are all on the same page as to what is acceptable behavior, and what is not. Try to always distinguish between their misbehavior of the moment, and the long-term character traits you hope to instill in them as human beings. So if taking care of others, being courteous and kind, and engendering a fundamental human decency in them are your goals, try to keep them well in sight, even when little Billy teases his sister. Remember, you can always take a step back from a heated or complicated moment and say: "This is serious. I'm going to think about it." Give yourself a chance to cool down before prescribing consequences.

Then, when quieter moments arrive, revisit your ultimate goals for their lives and character in as many creative ways as you can with your child—because we all need repetition and reconsideration if we are to truly learn any life lesson.

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A FEW MORE ESSENTIAL KEYS

In an ideal world, providing as much routine and structure as possible in their daily schedules assists them in following your lead. Yet in a world of soccer practices, music lessons and all the rest, eating a quick dinner in the back seat will likely be part of their lives, and yours, too. For the older High School students, who will be traveling more frequently with their friends to events, they too will need some sense of family plans and schedules. So communicating as often as possible about what the coming week or weeks may demand of you as a family can help them to feel that their busy lives nevertheless have a solid "center"—an axis point you are always orbiting together, even when schedules and family demands change. By contrast, when children feel scattered or unconnected to the changing or chaotic conditions around them, they rebel in ways they themselves don't often understand, making things even more difficult on parents and children alike.

So when they misbehave—as they most certainly will—try your best to discover what their true intent might be: is it to test their changing boundaries? Is it to express anger at life's uncertainties? Or could it be to draw your attention back to them, because they feel you have been emotionally absent or otherwise unavailable? Let's face it, to a teenager—and to many adults as well—negative attention is far preferable to no attention at all. So if they feel they can't keep your attention with positive achievements, they will likely try to draw you in by another way...

Which means the best strategy for a parent is to always seek first to understand the reasons for their child's misbehavior, and that means you'll need to ask them questions. So ask. Even if their answers are few or evasive. In time, your genuine interest - not combative or intrusive - but your authentic desire to understand them will help them to provide you with clues, if not the answer itself.

So listen, listen, and listen.

And did we mention to be sure to listen??  ~ Darryl Sollerh with Leslie King. LCSW