Teen Popularity? | Darryl Sollerh

While some teenagers seem to never be without friends, others may have more trouble making or keeping them. But whatever a teen’s particular social circumstances are at any given moment, their hopes to be popular or to be considered one of the “cool” kids can often become the single most important goal in their lives, and it helps if a parent can bear that patiently in mind.

While most moms and dads hope their teen will be well-regarded and popular among their peers, the shifting sands of social acceptance, or lack thereof, can turn parental fears, wishes or expectations upside down.

Because even if a teen enjoys popularity, he or she may then feel compelled to spend a great deal of time, energy and thought attempting to maintain that popularity, ironically driving them into behaviors and experimentations they might not otherwise try. The stresses and fears can, ironically, be as intense for such children as they are for the teen who worries he or she may never enjoy any degree of popularity or attention.

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A high school teen, not connected to the popular crowd, and desperate to ingratiate himself, discovered that he could gain acceptance by bringing cocaine to parties. Soon, he found himself invited to all the parties he had never been to before. So it only encouraged him to continue, and he became increasingly known for his “generosity”, which included bringing it to school – for which he was summarily expelled.

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Which is why a parent would do well to remind themselves that what a generation ago may have seemed like all a parent could wish for – his or her popularity -- may now represent a more complicated world of choices and temptations; being popular or “cool” can be even harder on both the teenager and their parent.

The relentless, daily jockeying for social position can both exhaust and exasperate a teen, leading to a host of errant behaviors, including moodiness, withdrawal, a sudden dislike of school, or uncharacteristic acts of mischief or destruction.

To feel they belong, to feel accepted and liked, to feel valued and appreciated are experiences every human being seeks at any age, but seldom more so than in High School, when teens are hoping to find their place in the world.

So when a parent watches their son or daughter struggle to be accepted, or spend friendless weekends alone, it can be one of the most heart-wrenching experiences a mom and dad can face. And it may well lead them, out of a sense of anguish and desperation, to want to somehow jump in and somehow “fix” it for their teenager.

Seldom, if ever, does it work.

More likely, the mom or dad who tries to intervene too much in their teenager’s social struggles may soon feel as helpless and disconnected as their teen.

So what can help?

As with all matters in life, it's very important to try to understand why your teenager may be without friends. The possibilities can include everything from the aforementioned family move or school change, to the more subtle ways a teen may be lacking in social skills -- or their lack of confidence in their social skills -- which can cause them to either send mixed signals to others, or cause them to withdraw for fear of others.

We have also worked with a number of students who, prior to entering High School, enjoyed great friendships and popularity within their former social circles, only to feel adrift when they change schools, or relocate to attend a High School. It can be a disconcerting and confidence-shaking journey, especially if they lose most or all contact with their former friends, and find few, if any, new friends in among their new classmates.

But within the limits of this discussion, we are rather speaking of the more common experience of feeling alone many of us may have had at times in our lives, with the attendant sense of isolation, or an inability to connect with others.

So mom and dad need to listen carefully to the various cues and clues their son or daughter might be offering or enacting. Should a teenager be able to speak about their social difficulties, parents can best help by being a good listener, offering a steady, empathetic ear – and not an eye trained on fixing it.

A calm, measured approach that recognizes and embraces the time it can take to build good relationships can help bring a sense of perspective to a lonely period for a teen.

Should, however, the teenager fall into silence about their sense of alienation and loneliness, then finding gentle ways to reconnect them with their peers can include activities that can casually include potential friends to share in activities of common interest.

Sports teams, or community involvement can also help put your teenager around others, easing their sense of isolation while providing opportunities to participate with their peers outside of school, or who don't attend their school, should that feel more comfortable to them.

The key is to find creative ways for them to meet and share activities with others without allowing your own concerns or sadness to make them feel "different" or somehow in need of special “assistance” -- or that when they bring up their feelings, you seem too ready to sound the alarm.

That will only make them suspect things are even worse than they realize, and drive them further into despair.

By contrast, a calm reassurance that friendships take time to grow, a reminder to always treat others in the way we want to be treated, and a practical approach to providing new opportunities can all help.

As you seek to understand the reasons for why they may not have friends, a good place to start is to ask their teachers what they are seeing.

Does your teen sit with others at snack or lunch, or are they often alone? Do they play or hang out with others at recess, or do they more often seek asylum in the school library? Do they share in class activities, or do they tend to go it alone?

Knowing what others are seeing when your teen is away from you can help you even more than what they say about how they’re doing, because if they are feeling ashamed or humiliated by their lack of friends, or perceived social standing, they may find it difficult to talk about.

Conversely, some teens may appear to have normal social lives at school, yet still feel very much alone or "different" away from school -- which may signal how they are feeling about themselves, and can give you your cue and clue as to how to begin to help them to feel better about, and more confident in, themselves.

In such cases, finding activities outside of school, such as sports or youth clubs, may offer additional opportunities to develop new friendships and self-esteem.

Yet we must also note that there are also teens who simply withdraw from all of the social jockeying going on around them, preferring the quieter sidelines to all the social goings on.

For them, not being invited to a certain party may come as a relief, as the stress of going would be far more troublesome than any satisfaction they might gain from having been included. They rather prefer to remain in the background, finding their relief in not being especially noticed or identified with any group.

Parents of these children may worry about their son’s or daughter’s well being, not knowing what to make of their teen’s preference for relative social obscurity, fearing that it may be a sign of a teenager unable to cope in a competitive world. But what we have found is that some children simply are not ready to engage socially or emotionally yet, and trying to force them to, or otherwise goad them into asserting themselves prematurely will only lead to needless strife within the family, and make the teen’s life miserable. A wiser approach in High School would be to let them find their own “sea legs” socially, and at their own pace. Allow them to be late bloomers, if that’s how they feel most comfortable. Your quiet confidence that they will find their way as best suits them will help to give them the confidence they need to develop socially and their own, steady pace.

In whatever social position your teen finds themselves, or in whatever social circle they endeavor to be a part of, the more mom and dad can find gentle ways and opportunities to support them in developing confidence in themselves, and whatever gifts or potentials they have, the more this process, though sometimes a cause for anguish in teenager and parent alike, will pass.

And if popularity still seems like the magic elixir that can cure all your child’s struggles, long experience has taught us that a parent should be careful what they wish for. Being popular isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be, while being unpopular may be only temporary. ~ Darryl Sollerh with Leslie King, LCSW