Teen Homework Help: Homework Hell Struggles for Parents
Teen Homework Hell and Grades
Let's begin by acknowledging the teenagers who take great satisfaction from doing their homework, and who, without any special prompting from mom or dad, come home each day and get to work. Count your infinite blessings if this describes your teen.
Because for most parents, homework struggles are far more likely to be a nightly tug-of-war, continually demanding the exhausting, alternating roles of cop, cheerleader, psychologist, game warden, motivational speaker, super spy or demanding task master—leaving many moms and dads to wonder if sleeping at the office might not be an altogether better plan.
Even though teaching their teen good work habits ranks high on most parents' agendas, the struggle to get their teen to actually do his or her homework will likely have already begun by middle school, and it can quickly become the central and ongoing source of family tension by high school.
How does a mom or dad come home from a full day's work and effectively deal with their teenager's homework-allergic behavior?
How do you keep their nightly assignments from turning into the flash points that define your home life?
First, the bad news: there is no one-size-fits-all, quick-fix miracle cure. The good news? A new or revised approach to your teenager and their homework, informed by a deeper understanding of what your teen-student may be experiencing in connection with doing his or her homework, can often work wonders.
Let’s identify some prominent types of excuses your teenager may use for not doing their homework, starting with denial—characterized by statements such as, "My teacher/school is mistaken," or, "They didn't tell me they wanted me to do that (fill in the blank)."
Another response to homework struggles may be falling apart—sometimes characterized by tears, but more often a pervasive sense of hopelessness and even withdrawal from the demands of their teacher. "I can't/don't know how to do what they want."
Yet another response may be belligerence—often accompanied by anger and demonstrations of frustration, peppered with remarks such as, "Leave me alone,’ or, "You don't understand!"
Lastly, your teen seems to find endless ways to distract or otherwise postpone starting their homework, perhaps by watching TV, playing music, diving into that world of diversions just a mouse click away, or trading text messages with their friends via phone or online social media sites.
Talk about frustrating!
But before you dial 911 or confiscate their every electronic device, the mode of your teen's resistance may provide valuable clues as to WHY they are not doing their homework.
As you focus on the reasons behind their homework struggles, rather than succumbing to your own frustrations and taking away everything they can think of, including their phone or computer, understanding their homework-evasive habits can put you in a better position to help them tackle their nightly assignments.
In the case of denial, dealing in specifics is key. Emailing teachers to get a list of assignments is a good start. If that's not possible, or your teenager's school isn't responsive, checking your teen's class syllabus, calling other parents, or visiting their school to gather upcoming assignments may help.
In short, it's going to take your proactive involvement.
In some cases, that may require your help in getting them organized, keeping track of their assignments, and creating study plans. Some teens need and want your elbow-to-elbow assistance—at least for a time.
That said, do not wear out your welcome.
As their ability to respond to homework demands can change, being at their elbow may suddenly flip from help into conflicts, so be prepared to back off when they are ready to take the reins.
If you need to back off but they are still struggling to complete their assignments, consider locating a "homework club" at your school or in your area. Any after-school program that provides an environment in which your teen is supported in doing their nightly work—perhaps organized by a group of concerned parents—may also work and allow you to function in more of a supportive role than that of a taskmaster.
Perhaps there is a college student who can spend a few hours a week with them, providing the impetus that encourages your son or daughter to meet their school's requirements at home. If possible, tutoring or mentoring may help, too.
If your teen exhibits more of a falling apart or belligerent reaction, and none of the above solutions work, it may be time to consider whether behind their seeming inability to complete assignments lies deep-seated fears of being judged, or worse, being discovered as incompetent.
If this is the case, then it's likely your teenager may be more prepared to endure your wrath or face his or her teacher’s admonitions than risk being discovered as incapable. Better to have never tried, they may reason, than to have tried and failed.
If you suspect this to be true, then a parent’s best response is to ask themselves: what does my teenager need?
For instance, while some teens can sit for hours in their room alone, others dread feelings of isolation and do everything to reconnect with others through electronic devices, whether it's by emailing, texting, tweeting, iChatting, or engaging in online social sites, turning up their music, or escaping into a video game—sometimes played online with others. This is why adults must be careful when using words like "lazy" or "irresponsible." Not only do they miss the mark, but they are potentially hurtful and do not offer any real help—help that every young person needs.
If isolation is the real culprit, a possible remedy could be to find them a place to work in a more trafficked area of your home, such as a family room or the kitchen. You could encourage them to reconnect with you during homework time or vice versa. The key is finding the right balance between contact and individual effort.
Another possible cause of your teen's homework struggles may stem from personal issues in their lives or within the family. The loss or absence of a parent, sibling, or friend due to a divorce, a misunderstanding, family move, or death can become all-consuming, defeating their ability to concentrate on daily work.
For others, they may simply need your presence throughout the entire process, which may include sitting beside them for a time to help them organize their efforts. Organizational skills develop at different times for different students and can be quite challenging at various points.
Conversely, your teen may struggle due to a lack of a dedicated space to work. Continuous distractions and interruptions at home could make it impossible for them to focus on their assignments. Identifying both a time and space for regular work can mean the difference between success and failure. A chaotic or unpredictable home environment is not conducive to work, as any adult can attest.
Why should we expect a teenager to react any differently?
Finally, a teen's struggle to do homework might relate to learning issues, including attention deficit difficulties. When unrecognized, these issues can lead to a frustrating and deeply disheartening experience at school.
If any of these hidden frustrations emerge—perhaps resulting in a rant, insolence, or a well-slammed door—the first and best thing a parent can do is to refrain from an immediate reaction. This often leads to escalating arguments, which can result in computers being taken away, privileges rescinded, weekends spent in solitary confinement, and parents climbing the proverbial walls.
So what can you do to help?
First, take a healthy step back from the heat of the moment and take a deep breath.
Having hopefully cleared enough inner space to think, parents are best served by asking themselves what is underneath their teenager's upset. What do they need? What are they revealing about how they are experiencing their assignments and the challenges of working at home? Is this about their schoolwork, or part of their need to separate and individuate from you? Statements like, “It's my life,” or “Leave me alone; it's my problem” may indicate that your son or daughter is trying to define themselves in the world, albeit a difficult process.
Reflect on the lengths you went to accomplish the same at their age.
Whether your teenager is using bluster to distract from their homework struggles or genuinely expressing frustrations only tangentially related to schoolwork, the key is for parents to stay above the fray and see beyond their son or daughter's belligerence to what is really being expressed.
While parents should set appropriate boundaries on communication methods—even when upset—the main goal is to determine their needs.
You can also communicate with their teachers, school deans, or counselors. They may provide insights specific to your teenager and their school.
Ultimately, it's essential to understand what's truly happening with your teen before deciding on how best to respond. This might include seeking academic support outside of the home to addressing consequences when they choose not to complete their work.
When removing distractions like a phone or computer is necessary, do so predictably and calmly for a limited time—not as punishment but as a form of supportive guidance for your son or daughter.
Even when your teen complains, they will sense the difference between an angry reaction and an earnest effort to assist them in completing their work. You might have to wait a few years for their appreciation, but good things take time.
If problems persist, speaking with teachers can provide insights into your teenager’s homework habits or abilities. In public schools, there may be an IEP (Individual Education Plan) available to better suit your child's needs. Independent schools also often have support meetings to evaluate a teen's challenges.
If needed, consider having your son or daughter's learning mode evaluated. Start with your local school; if their options don’t feel right, there may be alternatives.
In Los Angeles, for example, there are university and training programs offering testing on a sliding scale (such as those at UCLA, St. John’s, and Reiss Davis). Understanding HOW your teenager learns can help tailor your approach to support their homework efforts. Are they an auditory learner? A visual learner? Do they have processing issues?
Knowing the difference can truly make a difference.
Over the years, we've often marveled at how children deemed “less capable” positively thrive when the right pieces and strategies are in place to support their efforts. Yet some don’t get “discovered” until after an experience like this:
A 10th-grade student assured his concerned parents he had done all his work and expected good grades in all his classes. When the grade reports were released, he was failing all but one class. His parents confronted him, believing he had misled them, but the 10th grader was unaware of the assignments he had missed and had no grasp of the course material. What initially appeared to be deception revealed how lost he was in school and how unaware he had been of signs indicating he was not doing well.
This situation isn't uncommon; parents may mistakenly assume their child is trying to mislead them. Often, their teenager might genuinely believe everything is fine, only to be shocked by their teachers' reports.
In such cases, additional academic support is often necessary, along with parent/student/teacher meetings to clarify the facts versus a student’s wishful fiction. Furthermore, a teenager may be preoccupied with their issues, causing them to miss signals about how they are or aren't performing. Hence, it’s wise for parents to consider what could be happening in their teenager’s life before jumping to judgment when a disappointing report card arrives.
We've also seen many parents express their frustration over their teen's lower grades without offering praise for improved efforts.
So don’t forget to show admiration when appropriate and whenever possible.
In all cases, let them know your expectations, but ensure they are realistic and driven by a genuine understanding of who they are, instead of who you want them to become. By doing so, they may surprise you, and with the support they need, they may even surprise themselves.
**TEST-TAKING ANXIETY**
While many teens take their deadlines, quizzes, and tests in stride, for others, facing these can feel like a painful, paralyzing nightmare that leads to inevitable failure.
For teenagers with test anxiety, even minor challenges can induce stress levels so high they shut down, losing their ability to think or recall what they know.
Our work has shown that test anxiety is often an overlooked factor in student underperformance on tests or meeting deadlines. The common diagnosis these high school students receive is that they aren't attending class or studying hard enough.
Such labeling escalates their anxiety, making them feel more isolated, affecting their self-esteem and well-being, and straining relationships. This is why many children feel as if it's only a matter of time before they are discovered to be incapable or incompetent.
So how can a parent help?
First, recognize signs of test anxiety, which can include a deep need for perfection, chronic lethargy towards schoolwork, or a belief that they are not good enough—all leading them to withdraw from their class assignments or to avoid handing them in, especially as deadlines and tests loom.
You may also see difficulty concentrating, paying attention, or a surge in forgetfulness. Signs of rising tension can manifest as restlessness, headaches, or trouble sleeping.
Parents' patience, consistency, realism, and flexibility significantly ease a teenager's tension. By emphasizing effort over results, parents can help reduce their son’s or daughter’s anxieties. Praising their strengths and not being overly critical of disappointing results can teach them how to make a new start.
Conversely, parents should consider how they might contribute to their teenager's concerns about succeeding. While most parents want the best for their child, worries about college admissions can amplify a teen's anxieties, making every test, every deadline feel like a critical turning point when many just aren’t.
So it’s crucial for us, as parents, to ask ourselves: are our concerns about their future unintentionally heightening theirs?
As with all parenting matters, raising children invites us to reflect on ourselves to ensure we aren't passing on our own anxieties, despite our intentions to quell theirs. A calm, step-by-step approach—taking life one day at a time—may be key to alleviating both their and your fears while restoring a sense of positive possibilities.
On a practical level, if you suspect your teenager is experiencing anxiety around schoolwork, consult with their teachers, counselors, and deans. If your son or daughter shows a grasp of their classes but struggles with tests or meeting deadlines, test anxiety may be the hidden issue.
Our doulas provide emotional, physical, and informational support during pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period. Let us help you navigate this transformative time with confidence and ease.
~ Darryl Sollerh with Leslie King, LCSW