Middle School Risks | DarrylSollerh.com

There is nothing more concerning to a parent than their child’s safety.

The energy, time and effort spent trying to make the world a safer place for their kid occupy a mom’s and dad’s daily thoughts, and give them nightmares in the wee hours.

Making matters worse, there is a world of risks and dangers that a parent cannot readily defend their child against, because it will likely be their own Middle Schooler’s curiosity that opens the door.

Most commonly, those risky behaviors arrive in the form of alcohol, pot, and some sexual experimentation. Only in very rare cases do matters go beyond these three usual suspects. Or four, should you include cigarettes. What they all have in common are their availability, as well as being topics of much intrigue and speculation by Middle Schoolers looking, as is most often the case, to bond or blend in with their peers—some through a sense of insecurity, some through a sense of social prominence or predominance.

And that is the key. Anything that goes “against the rules” appeals precisely for the reason that it is, fundamentally, a means to an end, not an end in itself.

Only in a significantly smaller number of students have we found Middle Schoolers experimenting with any risky behaviors alone, or self-medicating to cope with the pressures, sadness or personal failures they feel. Warning signs of this retreat can manifest as a social withdrawal, a loss of interest in school or former areas of interest, and an increasing effort to isolate themselves from others. In such cases, a parent would be well advised to seek professional help, and a starting point can be a talk with their child’s teachers or school administrators about how their child may be behaving away from mom’s and dad’s eyes.

But the far more frequent and likely reasons for a Middle Schooler’s experimentation with alcohol, pot or sex, are all about gaining acceptance among those he or she deems to be “cool”, or those asserting their leadership as risk-takers and rebels.

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A bunch of Middle School boys, wanting to try marijuana, told their parents they were going to the movies. Not long into the film started, however, knowing that they were due to be picked up right after the film by one of the parents, snuck outside and into an alleyway behind the theater where they lit up a communal joint, only to soon find themselves the object of a Police Cruiser’s glaring white light.

A night at the movies instantly turned into a night at the station house for their parents as well—who didn’t exactly appreciate being misled, much less having to go down to claim them.

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So what’s a mom or dad to do?

First, do no harm.

Understand what’s driving your Middle Schooler’s curiosity to risky behaviors, and don’t rush to protect them by inadvertently making risky behaviors even more attractive. As in the Bible’s Garden of Eden story, the apple’s allure came from the fact that it was forbidden, not because it was the sweetest fruit. So be sure the conversations you have with your Middle Schooler, and the actions you take, don’t trigger the opposite of what you intend.

Second, trying to quarantine your child from their friends for fear of what they will do in their company may likewise backfire. So if there are certain friends that pose a danger, and not others, try not to impose the rules that only drive your child more eagerly to the “forbidden” group.

Because to grow and develop their social skills as people, as well as to hopefully experience the joys of friendship, a mom and dad can’t very well cut them off from it.

So the art is in HOW a parent goes about managing their child’s needs and desires while keeping them as safe as possible.

Let’s face it, there are precious few things in this world more appealing to a Middle Schooler than to hang out with older kids. So cigarettes, pot, alcohol or some sexual experimentation may simply be a means to gain entry and acceptance into those heady circles, rather than a preoccupation in and of themselves.

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Two Middle School girls, one from a very restrictive family, and one from a far less attentive family, became friends soon after they met. When they would stay at the less attentive girl’s home, they would tell her parents that they were going upstairs, ostensibly to do their homework together, or just chat. Once out of view, they would sneak out the girl’s bedroom window and head for the mall to hang around some older boys. They were eventually detained for a curfew violation by one of the mall’s security guards. The girl from the restricted home later complained that she was never allowed to go to the mall, day or night, and so she had begun looking for ways to escape her parents’ limits. Conversely, the girl from the less attentive home secretly wondered how much her parents actually cared for her, given that they didn’t seem very concerned over her whereabouts.

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Grounding them for life not only doesn’t work, and micro-managing their activities convey an over-riding distrust in their capacity to make prudent choices. Keep in mind that you DO want them to be able to make smart decisions about themselves and their safety, so cultivating that self-reliance in them, rather than undermining it, becomes increasingly important.

As in the example above, if a parent imposes too many restrictions on their Middle Schooler’s social lives, they will likely only encourage the very impulses they’d hoped to dampen, inadvertently triggering their child’s increasing desire to escape parental authority by engaging in any behaviors that defy their parents’ wishes, while households who don’t seem interested enough in their child’s whereabouts risk sending a message that they don’t value their child. So the question becomes one of balance.

On a practical level, should your child be entertaining a friend, don’t leave them alone in a room for hours by themselves. Instead, stop by to see how they’re doing. Not only does this convey a genuine concern, but keeps a parent on top of what’s going on, balancing their need for private time together with your need to know they’re not getting themselves into trouble.

Should they wish to do things with their friends, contact their friends’ parents. Get to know who they are, as well as to let them know your considerations about whatever activities are being proposed.

If the arrangement involves taking your child to the movie, and you’re the parent designated to drop them off, it’s important to know when the other parent intends to pick them up after a movie, especially if it ends after dark.

Arrange a code word with your own child, so that if they should call you and say “I have a headache”, you know they are uncomfortable with whatever’s going on where they are, and, without them revealing what they really are asking you to do in front of their peers, you’ll know they mean to come pick them up right away, whether it be from the mall, a party, or from wherever.

Yet should you have concerns about who their friends are, or whose acceptance they’re seeking, gently inquiring about their relationships—why they like who they like—may offer you some insights as to what they see as important, or what they are attracted to in others. This can also reveal if your child has an especially strong need to gain acceptance with the “popular kids”, alerting you to their increased vulnerability to riskier behaviors.

On the other hand, should your Middle Schooler try to control you when it comes to checking on where they are going, who with, and how and when they will return, a parent can only smile and do what a parent must do. Should they want to go to a party, for instance, and tell you none of the other kids’ moms or dads are calling the home where the party is to be held, don’t believe it. Do call, and introduce yourself. You can then learn more about how the party will be supervised, as well as what time the party’s scheduled to go to.

What you can do on your Middle Schooler’s behalf is grant their wish to drop them off at the house, and allow them to walk up and knock on the door by themselves. They can them enjoy a moment of independence, and you can rest easier knowing what will be going on behind that door.

Again, it’s all a matter of balance. And it comes down to giving them as much freedom as possible while keep them as safe as possible.

And though they may not want you around, or at least in eye shot, they will nevertheless come to appreciate in time your steady concern and insistence on their safety.

In the dance between freedom and safety, a parent must try to allow their child enough room to grow, while maintaining an attentive, but not-too- intrusive, lead.

Should, however, their risky behaviors exhibit any of the aforementioned warning signs, consulting with a professional would be a wise step, even if it is simply helps to allay your own concerns or fears about your child’s development during these curious and experimental years.  ~ Darryl Sollerh with Leslie King, LCSW