Teenage Social Lives | Darryl Sollerh

Change can be a real challenge at any age, but the high school challenges your teenager may face during these years can be profound, frustrating, and confusing. In other words, it’s a lot to deal with. As they try to understand themselves amidst this rapid change, teenagers often push against their parents, creating strife and conflicts in the home where none existed before. 

It’s essential for parents to remember that even in the smoothest transition from middle school to high school, life as their teen once knew it is shifting quickly. Indeed, it can feel like an avalanche of change is descending upon them, with possible shifts in friendships, changes in their bodies, and a newfound awareness of themselves and others. With changes in their grade level or the school they attend, they are forced to cope as best they can—not easy at all.

Compounding these high school challenges is a time of self-discovery, where teens try new things to define themselves both to themselves and their peers, even as opinions about them may be forming within their social dynamics. The potential seismic shifts in their relationships—where old friendships may fade, alter, or end—can create even more confusion, not just for them but for their parents as well.

It’s not that your teen’s old friendships won’t rebound later, but how can your son or daughter be certain of that? Likewise, how can a parent know how to best help their teenager during these years of change, when what their teen is experiencing can dramatically affect the family in unexpected ways? For example:

A teenager having trouble adjusting to a new school began to socially withdraw. As he became increasingly reclusive, his parents noticed their lives changing as well. Their previously active social life with friends dwindled, and inviting others over became a source of discomfort. They soon found themselves increasingly isolated as a family. Only when they began addressing their teen’s difficulties were they able to restore their own relationships with friends and family.

The lesson here is clear: whatever affects your teenager’s life can impact yours, sometimes in subtle yet powerful ways. Parents also face their own mix of emotions, such as the looming awareness of saying goodbye to their child—a significant moment often accompanied by a sense of mourning long before the actual day arrives.

Thus, between the struggles your teen faces, and the emotions parents experience, a complex emotional landscape fills the family household. Against this backdrop, much of high school life unfolds. We’ve seen how top students from middle school often find it difficult to compete in high school, perceived once-popular kids lose their confidence, while quieter kids may begin to thrive, enjoying new opportunities to shine.

Another factor to consider is the pervasive role of technology in teen social dynamics. With cellphones, computers, texting, and social media, even the smallest interactions can escalate into significant rumors throughout school. What once may have been a whisper among a few teens can now become fodder for communal critique, turning minor missteps into socially devastating blunders. No wonder high schoolers can feel as if their parents don’t understand their world—and often, they don’t, having not grown up in a tech-driven environment.

Since there is only so much a parent can do to shield a teen from modern technologies, acknowledging that their world is far more complicated than it was for previous generations will help you become a better listener and a more supportive ally as they navigate these complexities.

So, how can you facilitate this? Keep communication lines open; this is not always easy and doesn’t mean giving in to your teenager’s every demand. It involves avoiding words or actions that would discourage them from seeking your guidance later on, after the emotions of the moment have calmed down. Understanding that their world is complex will improve your awareness of the challenges they face, allowing you to provide better parenting during these transformative high school years.

When you find it necessary to impose consequences for their behavior, take a moment to calm down and consider your response to ensure it is appropriate and constructive. When your teen seeks your advice, strive to be attentive but not intrusive. Rather than jumping in to manage every aspect of their life, it’s crucial to listen so they can articulate their thoughts and feelings.

Encourage them to explore possible solutions instead of simply relying on your ideas. This approach not only fosters their confidence in finding their own solutions but also cultivates the problem-solving skills they’ll need when you’re not around. When asking about their day, be vigilant about reading between the lines of their replies—or noticing silences. A grilling session about their day can lead them to avoid conversation. Instead, briefly share your day to help them feel relaxed and more likely to open up.

If you have concerns, consider speaking to their school, teachers, or administrators, who can provide insights into your teen’s experience when you’re not around. This can help you learn more about your child from different perspectives while also alerting the school to any struggles they might be facing. This collaboration enables the adults involved in their education to support your teenager in ways that could make a significant difference.

In essence, amid all the changes your teen—and you—are experiencing, keeping communication open is vital. Even when discipline is required, being available when your child needs love, laughter, or wisdom will ensure a supportive environment during these challenging times. ~ Darryl Sollerh with Leslie King, LCSW