TEENAGE SOCIAL LIVES | Darryl Sollerh

Change can be a real challenge at any age.

But the changes your teenager may have to deal with during these years can be profound, frustrating and confusing.

In other words, a lot to deal with.

And in trying to understand themselves during this time of rapid change in their lives, they often push against their parents, creating strife and conflicts in the home where none were before.

So it’s essential for mom and dad to remember that, even in the smoothest of transitions from Middle school to High School, life as your teen once knew it is shifting and changing quickly.

Indeed, it can feel like an avalanche of change is descending down on them, including possible changes in their friendships and social lives, changes in their bodies, changes in their awareness of themselves and others, changes in their grade level or the school they attend – all forcing each to cope in the best they can.

Not easy.

Add to which, it is also a time of self-discovery, when they will try new things in an attempt to identify and define themselves, both to themselves and others, even as their peers may be forming opinions about them. And the potential seismic shifts in their relational life – as old friendships fade, alter or end -- can create even more confusion in their lives -- which may also describe how their parents may be feeling at this point.

It’s not that your teen’s old friendships won’t rebound later, but how is your son or daughter to know if they will?

Likewise, how is a parent to know how to best help their teenager during these years of change when what their teenager is going through can so dramatically affect their family in unexpected ways. For just one example:

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A teenager, having trouble adjusting to a new school, began to socially withdraw. As he became ever more reclusive and uncomfortable around others, his parents found their own lives changing, too. Their formerly active social lives became less active, and they found themselves ever more uncomfortable with inviting others over to their home. Soon, they found themselves increasingly isolated as a family, and far less spontaneous. Only when they started to address their teen’s difficulties were they able to begin to restore their own relationships with friends and family.

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The lesson? Whatever may be affecting your teenager’s life, or whatever they may be going through, can and will affect your lives, sometimes in subtle yet powerful ways.

Also added to the mix may be what mom and dad may be experiencing. For instance, for many parents, somewhere in the back of their minds is the growing awareness that they are moving towards a day when they will be saying goodbye to their child -- a huge moment in their lives, significant of so much, and often colored by a certain mourning process, long before the actual day arrives.

So between what a teen may be going through, and what his parents may likewise be experiencing, it can be a potent, complex mix of emotions that fill a family’s household. And it is against this backdrop that much of what we know as High School takes place.

In our experience, we have seen how top students from Middle School may find it difficult to compete in High School; we also have seen previously popular kids lose their confidence, while some “quieter” kids, who seemed to search out the shadows in earlier in life, suddenly start enjoying opportunities to shine.

In sum, all bets are off in High School.

Another dimension we must factor in to all this is the wide use of cellphones, computer devices, texting, emails and every other new way of talking to, or about, each other -- which can turn even the smallest interaction into school-wide grist for the rumor mill. What in a former time may have involved only a few teens whispering about another can now instantly become fodder for communal critique, turning any small, teenage misstep a potentially devastating social misfire or confidence-crushing humiliation. And it can happen at the press of a button.

What a huge worry to carry to school with them every day. No wonder that High Schoolers can feel as if their parents just don’t get it. And perhaps they don’t, given that a generation ago, mom and dad did not grow up in a tech fish bowl as teenagers do today.

Yet since there’s only so much a parent can do to protect a teen from today’s technologies, being aware that theirs is a far more technologically treacherous world than yours ever was will not only make you a better listener, but a far more understanding ally when they seek out your help in navigating their increasingly complex worlds.

So what can you do to facilitate all this?

As much as possible, keep the communication lines open -- not that it is easy, and not that it means you somehow should capitulate to your High Schooler’s every demand. Rather, it means avoiding words or actions on your part that disallow or discourage them from coming to you later, after the provocations of the moment have calmed.

Likewise, being aware that their world is far more complex than your generation’s will enable you to better understand the challenges your teen may be facing, and that what was true a generation ago may not apply at all in today’s world.

When, as their parent, you do need to impose consequences for their behaviors, give yourself the time to calm down and think, so you can design a measured, proportional response that doesn’t, inadvertently, make matters worse (please see our chapter on “Punishment?” for more on this).

And when they do seek out your counsel, try to be attentive without being intrusive; try not to be too ready to jump in and micro-manage their lives when all they really need is someone to listen – so that they can hear themselves.

Instead, try helping them to explore possible solutions rather than quickly assigning them your idea of a remedy. By exploring more than imposing, you will also be showing them your confidence in their abilities to discover their own solutions, as well as nurturing in them the very process they will need to have developed when you are not available.

And when you ask about their day, be ready to “read between the lines” of their answers, or notice how they answer, which can also include silence. Being grilled at the end of a school day about how they are doing may make them want to avoid you. Instead, offering a short description about your day may better help them relax and eventually volunteer more about what’s going on in their lives.

Should you have concerns about them, however, you can also contact their school, their teachers or administrators, who can tell you how your teen seems when you’re not around. In doing so, you can both learn more about your son or daughter’s experience at school, while also alerting their teacher to your teenager’s possible struggles. This will allow the adults around them during the day to often offer support in ways that may well make all the difference to your teen.

In essence, with all the changes your teen and you are going through, keep the communication lines open and available, even when you as a parent have to impose consequences, so that when things do settle down later, you will be available -- when your love, laughs, or wisdom is what they really need. 

~ Darryl Sollerh with Leslie King, LCSW