Teen Risky Behaviors | Darryl Sollerh

There is nothing more concerning to a parent than their child’s safety.

The energy, time and effort spent trying to make the world a safer place for their teen occupy a mom’s and dad’s daily thoughts, and give them nightmares in the wee hours.

Making matters worse, there is a world of risks and dangers that a parent cannot readily defend their son or daughter against, because it will likely be their own curiosity that opens the door.

Most commonly, those risky behaviors arrive in the form of cigarettes, alcohol, pot, and sexual experimentation. What they all have in common are their availability, as well as being topics of much intrigue and speculation by teenagers looking, as is most often the case, to bond or blend in with their peers—some through a sense of insecurity, some through a sense of social prominence or predominance.

And that is the key. Anything that goes “against the rules” appeals precisely for the reason that it is, fundamentally, a means to an end; not an end in itself.

In High School there’s a greater likelihood teenagers will be experimenting with risky behaviors. They may also be self-medicating to cope with the pressures they feel. Warning signs of either can manifest as academic or social withdrawal, or an increasing effort to isolate themselves from parents or peers. Should any of these behaviors seem more than a passing phase, a parent would be well advised to seek professional help.

But the far more frequent and likely reasons for those teens who do experiment with alcohol, pot or sex, it’s about gaining acceptance among those they deem to be “cool”, or about asserting their leadership as risk-takers and rebels, or about having the “High School” experience with their friends.

So what’s a mom or dad to do?

First, do no harm.

Understand what’s driving your teen’s curiosity to risky behaviors, and don’t rush to protect them by inadvertently making risky behaviors even more attractive. As in the Bible’s Garden of Eden story, the apple’s allure came from the fact that it was forbidden, not because it was the sweetest fruit. So be sure the conversations you have with your son or daughter, and the actions you take, don’t trigger the opposite of what you intend.

Second, trying to quarantine your child from their friends for fear of what they will do in their company may likewise backfire. So if there are certain friends that pose a danger, and not others, try not to impose the rules which only drive your child more eagerly to the “forbidden” group.

Because to grow and develop their social skills as people, as well as to hopefully experience the joys of friendship, a mom and dad can’t very well cut them off from it.

So the art is in HOW a parent goes about and managing their child’s needs and desires while keeping them as safe as possible.

Grounding them for life not only doesn’t work, and micro-managing their activities convey an over-riding distrust in their capacity to make prudent choices. Keep in mind that you DO want them to be able to make smart decisions about themselves and their safety, so cultivating that self-reliance in them, rather than undermining it, becomes increasingly important. If a parent imposes too many restrictions on their teenager’s social lives, they will likely only encourage the very impulses they’d hoped to dampen, inadvertently triggering their child’s increasing desire to escape parental authority by engaging in any behaviors that defy their parents’ wishes, while households who don’t seem interested enough in their child’s whereabouts risk sending a message that they don’t value their child. So the question becomes one of balance.

On a practical level, should your child be entertaining a friend, don’t leave them alone in a room for hours by themselves. Instead, stop by to see how they’re doing. Not only does this convey a genuine concern, but keeps a parent on top of what’s going on, balancing their need for private time together with your need to know they’re not getting themselves into trouble.

Arrange a code word with your own child, so that if they should call you and say “I have a headache”, you know they are uncomfortable with whatever’s going on where they are, and, without them revealing what they really are asking you to do in front of their peers, you’ll know they mean to come pick them up right away, whether it be from the mall, a party, or from wherever.

Yet should you have concerns about who their friends are, or whose acceptance they’re seeking, gently inquiring about their relationships—why they like who they like—may offer you some insights as to what they see as important, or what they are attracted to in others. This can also reveal if your child has an especially strong need to gain acceptance with others, alerting you to their increased vulnerability to riskier behaviors.

Again, it’s all a matter of balance. And it comes down to giving them as much freedom as possible while keep them as safe as possible.

And though they may not want you around, or at least in their sight-line, they will nevertheless come to appreciate in time your steady concern and insistence on their safety.

In the dance between freedom and safety, a parent must try to artfully allow their child enough room to grow, while maintaining an attentive, but not-too- intrusive, lead.

Should, however, their risky behaviors exhibit any of the aforementioned warning signs, consulting with a professional would be a wise step, even if it is simply helps to allay your own concerns or fears about your child’s development during these curious and experimental years.

But we cannot leave this discussion without noting some of the more hidden or secretive experiments and dangers teens may engage in, ranging from eating disorders, such as restricting food intake and bulimia, to regular or frequent substance use and abuse, be it alcohol, drugs, or with substances such as spice, aerosol, “nozz” (nitrous oxide) and others, to “cutting”, wherein teens administer self-inflicted wounds, often on body areas hidden by clothes, so that others will not know.

Should you suspect or discover your teen may be involved in any of these activities, it is wise to seek professional help. Trained therapists or drug counselors can be of significant help in identifying and proactively addressing the causes which may be driving these behaviors. They can also help a family understand and decide whether individual counseling may be called for, or whether family therapy is in order, or even if a stay in a rehabilitation facility may be necessary. Their expertise can all make the difference in facing behaviors that can turn into crises if they are not understood and actively addressed.  ~ Darryl Sollerh with Leslie King, LCSW