Parenting Together, Alone or Apart | Darryl Sollerh

In life, finding two people who agree on most things is unusual. So it would be unrealistic to expect parents should have any better luck when it comes to agreeing on how to raise their child.

Although their ultimate goals may be the same, their approaches to any given provocations along the way may inevitably diverge, if not clash with their partner’s approach. And therein we can find an often overlooked dimension parents can face, sometimes quite unexpectedly, as they endeavor to meet the challenges of raising a teenager, whether they’re married, apart, single or divorced.

And how could it be otherwise, given that we all derive our sense of parenting from our own childhoods? How could we not be at odds from, occasionally, given our unique responses to the experiences we had, for better or for worse, with our own parents and their approach?

Yet even though it may be understandable and predictable, it can still cause profound strife between moms and dads, calling into questions many of the assumptions they may have had about their relationship with each other, to say nothing of their relationship with their teen’s life.

And while the ways in which these differences are manifold, stemming often enough from basic personality differences between the parents, they can cause tremendous conflict not just between mom and dad, but within their child’s life, even when they are not aware of it.

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A teenager, whose parents were going through a messy divorce, began to withdraw socially and academically. His grades slipped, his interests waned, and he began to self-medicate with alcohol, or by secretly taking his mother’s prescription “anti-anxiety” pills from her medicine cabinet.

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How could this have gone differently?

Had his parents recognized the signs of his withdrawal earlier, or even anticipated the challenges facing their child, caught as he was in the midst of their troubles, they may have been able to find him a therapist or counselor of his own to talk to during such a difficult and often confusing time. Indeed, while friends may be a great help to us all, offering a teenager a regular time and place to talk about his or her own experience can be crucial in avoiding some of the ways and substances teenagers and grownups alike seek out to alleviate or escape the pain they can feel in times of stress and sadness. As a parent, taking a proactive—rather than and a reactive—approach can make all the difference.

The key to all this is to understand that what you may think is an adult problem, existing somehow separately from your child, just isn’t realistic. There are no such tidy boundaries between mom, dad and child. Whatever may be going between parents cannot be imagined to be wholly separate from their child’s life for the simple reason that, to a child, their parents to a great extent ARE the world. Or at least they shape their child’s initial experience of the world.

And so it behooves mom and dad to meet the normal, human conflicts when raising a child by putting their child’s basic needs and welfare first, and to work in every way they can to find a balance or accord that respects or otherwise accommodates their varying approaches or points of view. That demands that each parent endeavors to make sure his or her intentions are first and foremost about the child, as clear-heartedly as they can.

Then, in a spirit of genuine compromise, mom and dad can begin to craft how they will approach, as a couple, whatever they and their child are facing. This does not mean, however, that they must somehow show a “united front” to their child as the old adage extols. Rather, it means facing openly and communicating thoughtfully with your son or daughter about what you are considering as parents, and how you will proceed as a family, given your differences as adults.

This is a wonderful tone to set, and a true achievement to celebrate whenever you can rise to the occasion.

But even with much good will, that is far easier said than done, especially if the relationship between mom and dad is under stress, or ending.

So whether it begins with a trial separation, or moves directly to divorce, the break-up of a marriage is a difficult and painful experience for everyone involved, especially for children, even under the most amicable of circumstances.

While mom and dad may find themselves deeply questioning their own life choices, their child may be quietly questioning how they may have contributed to their parents' parting. Their reactions may include anger, depression, anxiety, sleep-loss, as well as a fear of being separated from mom or dad.

Some teenagers seem to have an almost infinite capacity to take the cares and responsibilities of their parents' relationship onto their own shoulders, all too readily blaming themselves for whatever difficulties their mother or father may be facing, especially when it comes to marital disagreements or difficulties.

Their behaviors, sometimes obvious, sometimes subtle, can often change. A child who once may have enjoyed sleepovers with friends or going away to camp may suddenly become a reclusive homebody, refusing opportunities and invitations to engage with the world.

Others react by seeking to spend as much time as possible away from their familiar surroundings and parents, associating them with pain and struggle. They flee, feeling estranged and even betrayed by a life that had once been a source of security and identity.

Still others fall into depression, or struggle with bouts of anxiety that replace their smiles and laughter. Or they may regress into behaviors and attitudes they once seemed to have outgrown...not unlike what their parents may experience in themselves or in each other during a divorce.

So what can a mom or dad do to help their child cope, given that their parents are going through a profoundly difficult time?

First, let's face it: no one is a saint. No one is immune to the pain, challenges and uncertainties a separation or divorce can visit on a family. Especially not children.

So even though a mom or dad may be moving through some of the most potentially stressful and sad periods of their own life, they still are a parent, and must try to find a way to help their child—even if they themselves feel as if they are not getting much help from friends or the world. Should your child rage, do your best not to take it personally, even when it is directed at you. Try to give yourself the space and time to recognize that they too need to vent their feelings, especially the most gut-wrenching ones—for it is better that they release the feelings inside them as best they can, instead of bottling them up, which could prove far more damaging in the long run.

Also, do not seek the emotional comfort from your child as a way to cope with your own pain. Seek out friends or counselors to help you with your needs, so that you can offer your own child as much understanding and reassurance as possible.

Try also not to pit yourself against your ex, forcing either overtly, or covertly, your child to choose sides. It is so easy to do, and may even seem wholly justifiable, given how poorly adults can behave during such times. But it doesn't help matters, and often only makes them far worse.

Should it be possible, seek out counselors who can help as you and your child make the transitions that the break-up of a relationship can cause.

Let your child's school know, as appropriate, so that his or her teachers and deans will know the likely stress your child may be feeling.

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A High School girl accidentally discovered her father’s emails to another woman, with whom he was having a secret affair. Caught between telling her mother, or keeping her dad’s affair secret, she chose to remain silent, fearing it could end her parents’ marriage. Instead, she bottled it up inside, and carried this terrible, festering secret around with her, feeling increasingly troubled by her dad’s betrayal of her mother, as well as her own, even if she was keeping the secret to save her family. To cope with the pain of carrying such a secret, she began to drink. Then came the bad-boy boyfriend, perhaps as a way to get back at her father for having put her in this position of being his virtual accomplice. Things soon spun further out of control that her schoolwork suffered to a point that she failed all but one of her classes.

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As with the other couple we spoke of, only with counseling was this family able to address the issues they faced. The girl was able to regain her academic standing and graduate, but not without working through all that had transpired, and had driven her into a painful, emotional corner.

So whatever may be going on in your life or your relationships, reserve some special, regular time to be with your child so that he or she can be assured of your attentive presence and ready ear. Together and over time, you can both develop ways in which you can address the inevitable changes in both your lives.

That said, hearing what they have to say may be upsetting, but this is nevertheless the kind of steady presence a parent can provide a child during times of transition. Remember, they may simply need to express their pain, and your compassionate understanding may well be the true reassurance they seek.

Separation and divorce are very large issues to deal with in life, filled with layers of complexities. These are admittedly but a few facets of the myriad difficulties that can arise for a son or daughter when their parents part.

Since parenting is complex and challenging to its core, try to always take a step back, as individuals and as adults raising a child. Should you have jumped the gun, made a mistake in your reactive haste, say you’re sorry to your child. At the very least, you will be modeling wonderful adult behavior, and showing them a way through the storms of life. ~ Darryl Sollerh with Leslie King, LCSW